As I reflect and look back on how we came to meet. There is one thought that always crosses my mind. I didn't flock to you, as a matter of fact when I first met you I was highly intoxicated. I was still stuck on another guy; and I wasn't interested in talking to you. I wasn't interested because I am a loyal person, and it seemed like a shitty thing to do. I didn't want to think of myself as a slut which my decisions have convinced me to think of myself otherwise. I wasn't interested in you. Period. But I remember walking up to you, after being convinced by one of your friends to come talk to you, and you had such a confidence about yourself, I thought to myself... "let me bring this here confidence down a couple of notches". You asked me what my name was, and I said "Julianne, what's yours?" You looked at me with a dumbfounded look on your face and I figured it was because you were used to people knowing you you were.
But I treated you like any other normal person and you said "My name's Grayson". You then preceded to ask me "Do you have your phone?" and me being miss intoxicated grabbed my phone from between my breasts and looked you square in the face, then said "Yes I do." You didn't know it at the time but those three words were a challenge... to see how bold you really were. You looked right back at me with those deep brown eyes and said "You want my number?" and I, being a smart ass replied "I don't know, do you want me to have it?". You looked surprised for a second time, actually more taken aback. Then out of your mouth came "Yes", I gave you my phone, you put your number in and told me to hit you up.
I didn't.
I ended up going to the cafeteria with my best friends for breakfast the next morning. I was going on about my day not really even thinking about last night, because honestly I never intended on texting you. But of course, who walks up those cafeteria stairs but you.
I tried looking down and pulling my hat down further to hide my face, but you had already spotted me. I didn't think you had it in you but you actually had the audacity to come up to my table and give me a hug. You said "What's up?" but I could see in your eyes those weren't the words you really wanted to say to me. Those eyes told a different story, they looked at me with interest and amusement; wondering why I hadn't contacted you.
That's what hooked me. You boldness. The way you walked and with every step and movement you carried with you an aura of pure confidence.
I recall laying out on a hill beside the courtyard on that beautiful, spring filled, April day and thinking mischievously "I'm going to text this guy."
Now where did it go from here you're probably wondering?
On a drunken night I was texting this said guy and make a decision to go hang out with him. It's true when they say nothing good happens after midnight. Because really, nothing good does happen... or at least in my case. I ended up driving there drunk. And upon arrival participated in smoking a blunt and sharing a bottle of liquor.
As I was lying there I was thinking to myself "What are you doing?". But I brushed that thought away and when he started touching me I refused at first, and then gave in. That moment where my mind convinced me that it would be nice to be close to someone, even if it was only for one night.
And it was nice. At least for that night.
And it became a cycle. A cycle of hook ups. A big cycle. Where I tried to convince myself that it was more than it really was.
And I thought I was in love with this guy. When in all reality I was in love with the thought of this guy. I was in love with the idea of what I wanted us to be, when it wasn't that at all. I couldn't blame him because he was honest with me about what he was and wasn't looking for from the beginning.
But I blamed myself. I got so wrapped up in someone else that I forgot who I was. What I stood for and who I used to be.
It took me seven long months to figure these things out. To figure out that I deserve better. But that also he deserves that too. We were just two people looking for two totally different things. And I came to the terms that this was okay.
I wish you the best, I really do. Because even though we weren't what I wanted us to be we were everything I needed us to be. And I thank you for that. It's also true what they say; Life is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
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