Fuck all this Baggage

Balancing friends, a relationship, job, and school is fucking difficult. I feel very unsettled because I'm failing in the friends category. I love my boyfriend, and yes aside from being my boyfriend he's my best friend which is what makes me in all honestly want to be with and hang out with him in my free time.

I have very little free time which is also a contribution to these difficulties but having someone who does for you what no one else can complicates things. And it has. I feel like I'm not balancing things correctly and it's really frustrating me.

I feel like my friends aren't satisfied with me and I'm not satisfied with them and this change has been wonderful and amazing but difficult at the same time.

I don't fucking know what to do. I go back and forth all the time. My friends also mean the world to me but they aren't really accepting of me being in a relationship, well Denise and Lindsey are but Kelsey and Alexis definitely aren't.

I don't feel welcome or in place when I hang out with them now, I just feel like a shadow of someone they want me to be. Someone I used to be. And as much as I've tried to deny, I've changed.

My priorities. My responsibilities. My life period.

I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I should fight for my friendships or to just sit back, not give a fuck, and let the people who really care put in some effort and show they care.

Then I have these pesky fucking trust issues where I'm scared to death that I'm being cheated on. I don't know why. I literally have nightmares about my boyfriend's ex girlfriends, him breaking up with me, cheating on me, and I'm just so confused.

On the one hand I know I can trust him. We spend every night together.

But I have deep rooted trust issues that make me paranoid as fuck and I'm so suspicious of every girl he's in contact with. I've never had someone be loyal to be so I'm so hesitant to blindly trust anyone. I guess to me seeing is believing and I need to see proof of this said loyalty before I'm convinced but I don't know how to achieve that. I don't want to go through his phone because that means I don't trust him and is the highest invasion of privacy. I don't want him to think I don't trust him because honestly this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with myself.

I just don't want to wake up one day and be blindsided by a discovery of another girl. My biggest fear is someone cheating on me and it makes me crazy. I see so many girls in relationships clueless to the fact that their boyfriend is cheating on them when everyone else knows, leaving the girl looking like a fool.

I guess I don't trust myself to trust anyone. I've always had so many guards up with everyone that taking those down and allowing someone in to be vulnerable to is terrifying. By letting someone in on every part of yourself and trusting them fully, you are making yourself available to be hurt at any point. The person that you love with all of your heart could turn around and in the blink of an eye crush you. I don't want that. I also don't want to feel like this but I don't know how to begin to fix this or make it go away.

It's exhausting to always have these damn walls up, guards, blocks of protection... whatever you want to call them. I want to let them down. But I also want to know the extent of his loyalty to me before I do that. I don't know if that's possible or if I'll just have to take a leap of faith like everyone else. In belief that the magically beautiful thing called true love really does exist.

Fuck.

And since I have no friends as of late I have no one to talk about these things with. I just don't feel like I can tell him these things. They could easily be taken the wrong way and hurt feelings. I can't risk that. But at the same time I need to get shit like this off of my chest and I wish I could talk to him about this stuff but then it would reveal the true nature and scale of my insecurities and issues.

I don't know how to do this, how to be in a relationship but I'm trying. So hard. Because Tyler Graves is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I just pray that it will be enough.