Self-Love with a Twinge of Sadness

Photo by: Clint McCoy

I have felt a twinge of sadness in my being for the past couple of days. It seems that I cannot pinpoint where this sadness is originating from. Embarking on this journey of self-love is hard. Having to eliminate toxicity and negativity has left me feeling strangely quiet inside. My mind has not felt this quiet inside in a very long time. I feel a void. A void where I used to keep all of the drama, stress, and anxiety of the toxic situations and people I would entertain. This void is just now beginning to fill up with the knowledge I am discovering about myself. Who am I now that there are no distractions or drama? 

One of my all-time favorite poets Charlotte Eriksson said it best when she wrote, "Sometimes you need to sit lonely on the floor in a quiet room and just listen. Listen to your own voice without trying to change it, please it, lead it-just listen. 

It is easy to know who you are when you're building a character; it is harder to find out who you are without inventing it."

 I have been creating this character, this shell, this facade of who I am for so long now that I feel out of touch with myself. A stranger in my very own skin. Caught up in the who, what, where, when, and why of everyone else but myself. Why? I deserve to have the kind of love for myself that glows out of my pores like portable sunshine. To know that when I am feeling a twinge of sadness, I automatically know the very reason why I feel this way. Trusting myself through this process of discovering myself is a tough feat to measure up to. 

Realizing that self-love is not just about getting your nails done, tanning, posting on social media to portray an image of happiness, and contributing to things that make you feel beautiful on the outside. Self-love can be tough and downright ugly at times. Making sure you treat your body, mind, and spirit correctly. Meditating, journaling, and reading to feed your mind. Being around people who lift you up and add value to your life to nurture your spirit. Working out, eating healthy, going to bed early enough to fuel your body. 

These things are not glamorous, easy, or fun all of the time. What I have come to discover is that the toughest things in life are worth the most value. While I am on this journey of rediscovery I vow to be patient with myself, to love myself even when it is not pretty, to be proud of myself even when I fail,  and to get back up and use my failures as fuel for future successes. Getting to the point of knowing that I am worth it even on my worst days. This is the kind of self-love I set out to attain.