December 11, 2021

12:14 p.m.

 

Today I'm feeling really anxious. I woke up from a dream that I'm still trying to decipher the meaning of. Got dressed in an outfit I feel really good in and did my hair in a way that made me feel super embodied in my human form today. 

 This feeling of anxiousness is coming from the underlying feeling that I'm not doing enough. When in reality I've been working a pretty decent amount of time and have been spending full days from sun up to sun down working on projects. To dive in a little deeper I feel like this is tied in with me attaching my worth to my work and productivity. Tied to me thinking that there is something 'wrong' when I'm not 'doing'. 

 Whew. Deep breath. 

 Anchor back into the now moment. 

 I'm here. Typing. Processing how I'm feeling. 

Today is a rather cloudy day and I'm watching the cats curled up on my pillows napping and acting as such. 

Why can't I shake this feeling lodged like a pillar in my throat and heart space? 

I feel panicked. 

Another deep breath.
Another deep breath.
Another deep breath.

I am okay. 

 5:56 pm 

Wow. Was the rest of the day like moving through a wall of smoke. My chest and throat felt tight and it was hard to breathe today. 

I came back to center to get back off-center what felt like a million times today - with thoughts of not being good enough trying to drown me alive and I ran into some beautiful people today who reminded me that I don't see what I look or feel like outside of myself. I'm at home inside of myself and I think I ought to start decorating it in here in a way that makes me feel comforted. 

In a way that makes me feel like the hero of my own story because I am. I desire to look up to myself in the ways that I've looked up to the people I admire most in this life and to stop tying the doing of something outside myself to my inherent worth as a human here on this Earth. 

I listened to a book that I've been re-visiting since 2012, called Empty Roads and Broken Bottles in Search of the Great Perhaps by Charlotte Erikkson and the things I desired in 2012 are still the things that I desire today and I've just started to give them to myself. 

For that I am proud. 

I am going to make my home on the road. 

Moving. Arriving. Leaving. Seeing. Being. 

I am meant to live a life different from everyone around me and the more I try to fit myself into a box the more apparent it is. I've spent years trying to convince myself and being convinced by others that there is something wrong with me but the divine Goddess, my Soul Sisters, and my Higher Self have been the gems of truth that shone through that lie. 

I was driving in an apartment complex today and there was one apartment that was burnt to a crisp and exposed. It was surrounded by perfectly new apartments that looked crisp and you'd never think a fire happened near them if the burnt apartment right beside them didn't exist. 

This felt like a metaphor for my life right now. 

I feel like the burnt-down apartment. 

Beautiful and glorious in all of its destruction. 

Although it was exposed and needed some repairs it was the story that lured me in to take a picture and remind myself that from the ashes fertile ground is created. 

 6:15 pm 

Nearing the end of my day I feel like I've reconciled all of the disconnected pieces within my being that arose today. 

I feel the discomfort yet know that it's just growth and that this will be a constant in my life for the duration of it. I should be comfortable with the discomfort by now. 

As I take some more deep breaths I send the thought through my being that I am safe and I am here and that is all that matters. 

I get to create whatever I choose to create and so out of all of the things I moved through today I choose to create a cavern with golden light inside. I choose to step inside of this cavern and be held, loved, and relieved of all negatively charged energy. I close my eyes inside of this cavern and feel the connection to the endless moment of now and everything that exists. I visualize within this cavern a transformation occurring. All of my cells being upgraded. There is immense power seeded within the confines of my mind and I set the intention of learning how to better work with this ability. 

Within the energy of love, for the highest good of all, in no harm to none as a beautiful sister of mine says.