Bengal Reads

Hmm. Today I woke up around 10:30, got ready, and headed to this Coffee Shop/Bookstore just a town over to work because they have the best Sugar Cookie Oat Milk Latte.

I mean hot or cold it's amazing.

I stayed there until about 1:00 when I got hungry and decided to go grab some lunch because I hadn't eaten at all at that point.

Sometimes I'm just not that into breakfast, to be honest.

I ended up eating some hot wings for lunch and this place legit had lemonade that is better than Chic-fil-a lemonade.

When I got home today I was feeling unsettled, restless, and slightly irritated --- I dove into some work and got a little bit done today.

Not really as much as I would've liked to get done... and after I did a little work at home I headed out to DoorDash.

Today I decided that I want to be here.

Not in the future.
Not in the past.
Not fantasizing about how my present could be better.

I allowed myself to settle into the here and I realized how anxious being outside of that space has made me.

The closer attention I began to pay to my body today I began to realize how fucking tense I was.

Jaw clenched which was giving me a headache. Mouth dry from not hydrating enough with water. Butt clenched which is a nervous tendency of mine and makes me feel ungrounded and unsafe.

So, I consciously began to relax my body.

I stopped and asked what I needed --- so I drank some water.

Today felt good in the non-exciting and mundane yet kinda productive way.

Many things are uncertain right now, but the one thing I do know is that I am about to set off on an even grander adventure than last year.

These are my last days in the library I've been living in for the past year and now that my time is coming to a close it's bittersweet.

As I look around my room at all of these books I think about how grand they look, but they no longer feel grand in my spirit.

It's almost like over the course of this year here these books have seeped their way into my being simply by residing in the same space with them.

If there is anything I think you should know at this moment, in this space, in this very moment... it is that you should do nothing but what wraps your soul in peace even if no one else understands it.

It's not for them to understand.

It's for you to live and experience.

Don't waste your time wishing you could do x, y, z and always making excuses - pulling them like the stickiest gum from the depths of others' comfort zones.

Cut that shit.

This year I will make a home in whatever way I desire to.

I will focus solely on myself this year.

This is the gift I will give myself and from this space, I will pour the most divine liquid love into those cups I come across

I stopped saying much because I no longer had anything to say.

What is there left to say when you feel like vanishing into the air and becoming invisible?

What is there left to say when all you're consumed with is thinking about how you wish you were more like the air.

Everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Silent and soft yet loud and rough.

Connected to it all.

Free to move.
Free to be still.
Free.

It's the unpredictability of the next moment that I feel at home within.

Spontaneous living.

I treat myself better when I'm free.

I have been feeling so fucking trapped.

Living amongst books and the words of thousands of people who have entered and left this world.

How do you not make yourself wrong for wanting to leave the comfort of a stationary home for the open road?

Staying somewhere new every night.

Being labeled 'homeless' even though it'd be your choice and you'd be so fucking happy.

These are the things I haven't been saying.

And I don't really need anyone to understand them but me.

I'm okay with that.

But what's my next step?

Plunge into the unknown and leave everything I've ever known behind or get a job and save for the Van Life I've always dreamed of.

Either way, I know I will be back on the road.

Seeing new things, meeting new people, and feeling at one with myself and the world again.

I just wish it'd hurry up because my heart breaks every day that I go without this.

I become more numb. Depressed. Less present.

So disattached from my reality and I know exactly how to plug myself back in but I feel tugged in a million different directions. 

9:18 am

I feel good today. 

Woke up and my hair looks amazing which if you have curly hair you know is a miracle.

As I lay in my bed and allowed my room to heat up before getting out of all of my wonderfully fuzzy blankets I thought to myself...

I've been hiding behind the words of others.

Let me explain what I mean by this.

When it comes to writing I haven't really given myself space to let my voice be heard so whenever I read and/or stumble upon words someone else writes, that gives language to a certain feeling or experience that I've never put into words myself I attach to it - instead of allowing myself the space in the moments when I'm feeling a feeling or having an experience that I've never seen or heard explained to be explained by me.

In my own words.

But I'm giving myself that space now by putting words to this experience and that counts for something.

6:22 pm

I arrived at the performance building that one of my best friend's were doing doing a dance performance at 38 minutes early - yet due to the fact that I'm not by any means a city girl it took me way too long to find parking.

Once I finally did find parking in the right parking deck I felt so accomplished.

I strut my stuff down the street and knew I looked beautiful. I felt it.

I was going to see a Nativity performance and for some reason I didn't quite put two and two together until I was surrounded by church people in a sheer semi-see through black shirt that got me a lot stares to say the least.

My best friend did an amazing job. Seeing her in her element, passion, and fulfilling her purpose was literally an indescribable moment. I felt so proud, so full of love - I thought my heart might burst.

Seeing the performance took me back to another time in my life.

When I was 13 and heavily in church.

On the dance ministry team.

Hearing those beautiful black voices reminded me that my people truly do have a gift for bringing heaven on Earth through sound.

Although it saddens me that we were indoctrinated with white religion and taken away from our cultural roots.

So much power on one stage. 

Through dancing, acting, singing... the arts.

After the performance I was hell bent on going to this Middle Eastern food truck I saw even though I had the hardest time finding my car in the parking garage even though I pinged my car location to myself when I first arrived.

Totally not a city girl.

I finally found it and made my way to the food truck late at night and there were a lot of people out that were really messed up and although this would usually scare a girl alone I felt this bubble of protection surrounding me like fire.

I also had my hand on my pepper spray just in case.

I did get the most beautiful compliment from a man who said I looked like Macy from Charmed.

I met an older gentleman named M***** and he offered to pay for my food because I didn't have cash.

Several drug addicts came up and were yelling and cursing but I just ignored them and ignored the yelling and cursing as if it weren't a part of my reality as I waited on my food.

This story has a good ending: I finally got my food, went home, and smashed.

Smashed the food that is. 

Get your head out of the gutter.